why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
