well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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