wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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