You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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