I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
