Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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