Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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