Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
