is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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