Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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