I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
someone owes me an orgasm
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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