just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
