mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
