Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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