Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
