He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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