Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
