No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
