I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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