i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dick very happy bro
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
