My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
