also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
