I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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