theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
