I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
