well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
