I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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