Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
