Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
