Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
