i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
