is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
