I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you had me at cake vodka
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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