Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
