Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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