85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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