if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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