The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
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Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
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I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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