I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
