Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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