i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
