so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
