I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
