I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
