i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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