i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
