i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
