Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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