Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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