my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
