I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
