Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
