I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
