i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
