Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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